Lunatic..

The lunatic is in my head.
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane.
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me

Feeling like a lunatic for quite some time.... lunatic in the head.... where the real and the unreal blurrs .. and u r not what u thought u r. Most of the times we feel we have a good understanding of ourselves... of how we react...what we do...why we do the things we do.. and hence there is the confidence about the future.But I guess.. self understanding is just a farce... coz life is a skilled trickmaster.Just realized that my conciousness was in a dream within a dream.. hence all my beliefs.. were just an inception....treadng on a thin realm of wakefulness... The feeling is weird.. when u dont know your self... when you fail to predict what you would do... the strangeness of my own being scares me no end... 'there is someone in my head and it's definitely not me'...

P.S. Life is Ironical.. in the most trying times.. i am remindded of bands that I detest... :)

Feeling like a loser

20.01.2010
I am writing this blog… in a state of mind where I am feeling like a loser. The feeling is unjustified… irrational…. Yet it seems to encompass my being. I wonder why we feel like a loser..( mind it …the feeling is quite different from the one you get when you have lost something) . I guess you feel like a loser when you are not able to live up to your own expectations. The expectations we have from ourselves…. our sense of self worth…. our own sense of what should be….when this gets disturbed we feel like a loser. So what is this feeling….. its very difficult to explain… it’s a strange kind of void…. A numbness…. Which shrieks in your ear…. And makes you want to disappear.
When you think objectively, you feel that this whole sense of being a loser is just a figment of imagination… just like one of my friends commented is not a mature behavior. But life is not objective…. Life is reactive and extreme…. And no man has ever been mature. Yesterday, I saw a video… even ‘eagles need a push’ which spoke on how to lead a meaningful life….. and the first pointer in that prescription was ‘self appreciation’. Never had I understood how important self appreciation is than now. There are times in one’s life when all your beliefs stand against you…. There are times when you fail miserably in your own eye… and this is when you perhaps need a pat on your back… you need to tell yourself that you are special and everything will turnout right for you. The commandment is easier said than done, and hence here I go again…feeling down and out….. with no direction home… like a rolling stone.

Asiana... farewell

22nd June 2009,
Mumbai

Farewell to Asiana...
After two years finally I bid adieu to Asiana.... Asiana was never my home... at least I never treated it like one. Lately I have been wondering what a home is.... one that you take care of or the one where you feel taken care of. I always treated E-11 with a sense of loving detachment..... it was mine but I never tried to make it my own...I never bought any furnishings...... and led almost a hostel type life. Yet when I closed the doors of E-11... it felt I was leaving behind a part of my self there. Every inanimate thing that never bore any significance to my conscious self... seemed to tear at my heart. I guess once again the meaning of home changes for me.... Asiana was a home to me.... the two room apartment where my life was enclosed in one single room.... is special to me. It is difficult to explain attachment for all things that make Asiana.... the ducks...the long passage from gate to E block..... the mess.... my room... the cupboard.. everything is etched in memory...
I spend two tumultuous years in E-11.... life seemed to come a full circle..... there was excitement.... despair... hope.... friendship..... fatigue... relentless cribbing.... days of sickness..... jolts of laughter...... unending teleserials.... everything and more....

Asiana represents friendship to me.... friendship that started as a chore... friendship that was just another part of colony life.... but went on to become some of the most cherished moments. Asiana represents.. courage to me ... as million of tears later.... I could always muster strength to wake up at 6:00 and wear those safety shoes... Asiana would always be much more.... my tryst with gym..... the evening juices.... dinner at 8:30.... the Sunday pav bhajji..... the unending sojourns to mochas.... the lawn parties..... the ‘desi girl’ dances.... the bhajans during collective pujas.... the red canter parked in front.... the clatter of the kids... the expressionless nampally sitting with his lone bidi... the continual longing for a real weekend.. and many more
Asiana is a collective imagery of sights, sounds, smells.....and feelings. The relationship some forlorn... some close.... all were a big support system and source of strength to my self.
My mind is again is at cross roads when I am moving from one home in a search of another.. and again as they say kahaani abhi baki hain mere dost....

Confusion and turmoil

Returned from home two weeks back... and as usual with a mixed feeling...Somehow whenever I go home.. there is a sense of restlessness.. a weird feeling that this is not constant. I guess it comes from the fact that some where subconsciously you know... this is just a fleeting change to the normal affairs. Then again there is this understanding that even going back does not mean home. Staying away from family... alone in another city is a strange experience... one that I suggest all should go through.. It is like living in a state of illusion.... a gap between two lives.... like the clutch that connects two boggies of a train. Many of us love to stay alone...... ( at least they say they do) and some of us just get used to it. I feel I may never get used to the concept... nor love it. My residence for past two years ... does not seem like home.. yet my home does not give me a feeling of constancy.
I wonder how many individuals keep traveling all their life... never settling down ... never having a permanent residence.. Somewhere I read that home is where the heart is... and I guess that's absolute truth and hence the confusion.My heart is split between my family and my career and as of today.. both run on parallel tracks literally.
Hence now the quest would be to reconcile the both.... some how ... some way..

Great Expectations

Great Expectations... a novel that reminds me of the two critical years of my life. When I studied the novel as a part of my plus two English literature course.. we often prepared an answer-- Justify the title of the novel.There we had to draw references from the characters and explain how expectations- unseemly and otherwise shape the lives. I am reminded of this novel or rather the title... as I see my life moving on the lines of the same. I don't mean life is dreary or illusionary for me... Yet there seems to be a constant confusion between the reality and dreams. The gap between what is and what I expect seems to widen by the day.
I believe what you expect from life is somewhere a collage of what you are...how you have been brought up... For me my expectations are bordered by what I value the most.... be it career.. friends... or otherwise. I constantly remind myself that life demands compromise... I remind myself that satisfaction is happiness.. my rational mind accepts the logic.. but the emotional one.. rebels and frets. It is a strange feeling when you fear that living in illusion may make you Ms. Havysham... yet you want to live your life like Howard Roark.
Lately a strong feeling of turmoil is covering my mind.. where there is restless with the present... yet a humble submission to the reality....My friends will say I crib a lot....I agree I do... but that's just the reflection of the confusion in the mind. Cribbing for me is not dissatisfaction with life... but a mere inability to take decision ...or rather be happy with the decisions taken.
Some time back we underwent a workshop which emphasized on personal choice.. it said every action and reaction that we take is a conscious choice..and the moment we accept this... we would have personal victory. An extremely relevant concept ... which I keep reminding myself off... but really difficult to internalize.
Confusion and maze are my current state of mind... hence I am going home.. in the pursuit of happiness... for a temporary semblance of joy and cheer.... Hope the visit would rejuvenate me.. or at least give me strength to face the reality and still keep dreaming.

Ushering in new year

Finally 2008 has gone by... the year was strange in all its hues... in fact when I begun last year... there was lots of hope...hope of change.. in personal and professional life.. Somehow there was a sense of positivity that this year would be different. Different it was ... but in a nonchalant way... the year begun with dad being unwell... news of a change... hopes being raised... hopes being crushed... and finally the year ending with meshomoni's death.. nothing can be as awful as that.
However looking back I feel I managed well.... be it my stint with illness... tending to my parents.... traveling to and fro... God... it was a hectic year..

2009--- again brings in a lot of hope... guess can't survive without the 4 letter word...hope that health and wealth may abound... hope that good change may usher in... hope that I have my peace... hope that things are rocking.... hope that all hopes remain afloat...

Future scope

Just booked the tickets to go home.... have become incessantly restless...hence need to touch base every three months... There is a unique charm to go back where you belong. Every time My flight descends down.. it feels great.... I dunno the feeling is fresh and new as always...Hmnnn just feeling good about going.... hope some winds of change would be on my way by then...